Vacaciones -- Day 1

So, have you been wondering where I've been?

I've been preparing for today, and for the next 11 days. From now to January 2nd, I am taking a "vacation" -- my first real break since 2004 (a break that was just for "me" -- I took some time "off" last summer, before, during, and after my mating celebration with my beloved, but as such things generally go, the time was packed with relative interactions, preparations, and post-event recovery).

During the next week and a half, I will channel and teach at the two weekly events I provide through the SCS, and I will meet with Kindle and beloved, but I plan to do very little else.

The thing is (okay, now this really is the thing) I have so many things I want to do with this time. The short-list includes:

• Blogging every day, to catch up on the immense amount of internal assimilation I've been doing, the barrage of insights I've had, and opening the sluice-gate to the flow of "funnyness" I feel building up inside me.
• Cleaning out my inbox AND my "My Documents" folder. (Oh for god's sake, really!)
• Tweaking my computer, who has seemed sluggish and tired to me lately.
  
• Sleeping in as if I were training for the Sleep-In Championship, and having fantastic lucid dreams while doing so.
• Tinkering with the Access Database that I've been working on for six months, but rarely find the time to just "play with" so that I understand the capabilities that are there, but, as yet, untouched.
• Reading.
• More reading.
• Playing my guitar and singing.
• Watching movies
• Attending Vacation Bible School (just threw that in to see if you were still reading -- no really -- read on to what I mean by this)
• Surfing the web until my eyeballs fall out.
• Tinkering with my Xbox to see if I can get it running again, and if I can, having a Halo knock-down drag-out, maybe even re-playing Azurik, which I finished two years ago, but have now completely forgotten how to play.
• More Reading.
• Filling in my 2006 datebook with all the new moons, full moons, Solstices, Equinoxes, birthdates and anniversaries of loved ones, family, and friends (which I will usually miss or ignore even if they are written on my calendar), and the things I already think I "know" about the year 2006, etc.
• Generally preparing for a clean start of year 2006 -- cleaning up my office, cleaning up my mind, considering intentions and resolutions.
  

I think that, for many people, this list would hardly look like a "vacation" -- but I have realized something about myself in recent months -- what constitutes "time off" for me is not what I do, but how and when I do it. There is something about a long expanse of unplanned time lying stretching out on the clean white plane of my datebook that evokes in me a cat-like relaxation -- a sense of freedom to take on tasks that require intense single focus and "enough time" to do them well.

In fact, I suspect that my life includes a lot more of this blank space than that of the average American. I quite intentionally try to include at least two days each week (Wednesday and Thursday are my "weekend") that are completely unplanned. Even when I have a "work" day that is fairly open, I find that if there is even one planned event on it, there is some part of me that I hold in readiness for that appointed hour, and until it is completed, I don't experience a true relaxation about my time.

Sort of like when I was parenting -- I noticed that, even when my step-sons were in High School, I slept with one ear open -- ever vigilant -- the only time I experienced deep and completely relaxed sleep was when the boys were staying at their father's house.

This is something I want to change, this vague tension in me concerning time and its use.

Intellectually, I know that there is no essential difference between today and any day last week (even my work days) -- it's all my time -- it's all time that I plan and create. For me, this is evident, especially because I am, and have been, self-employed since 1988. I think that this would be true, though, even if I worked a "regular" job (shudder . . . avert eyes . . . give gratitude that it is not so) -- because that would be my choice, too. I am puzzled and perplexed at the slave-thinker within me that still sees an appointment (yes, even a fun appointment) as potential bondage.

So, I am going to be observing myself during my "vacation". I intend to compile my observations for a personal "Vacation Bible" (hence, I am in Vacation Bible School) -- a book of hints and helps about how I think and act during this time I have "given" myself, that may assist me to create the quality of vacation time 24/7/365.

Permanent vacation. That's what I'm striving for.

I don't have any plans about it, though.