Practical Optimism

I want to write about optimism. Not from the ooshy-gooshy-new-agey perspective. Not from the "Everyone is doing their best (even if their best seems to suck)" perspective. Not from the "glass is half-full" perspective.

I want to write about why I am an optimist, and the way I am an optimist.

I want to write about Practical Optimism -- and why nothing else really makes sense to me anymore.

My optimisim is based in practical experience. My favorite definition of optimism is: "The belief that the universe is improving".

That is what I refer to as "Practical Optimism".

I realize that I am white (therefore privileged), American (therefore privileged), and currently have made choices that allow me to live in a way that most Americans would consider "lower middle class" -- meaning, I rent my house, I don't own a new car, but I have a car that is paid for, I have more than one computer in my house, credit card debt, and I spend a medium amount of time worrying about whether I can pay my bills this month (which, in my opinion, puts me far above the privileged bar for most people in the world).

Some people would say that this allows me the privilege of optimism. At one point in my life, I would have agreed with them, and, at some levels, I still do.

However, I am also female, a lesbian, a wacky-woo-woo babe, a survivor of: childhood sex abuse, spousal/partner physical abuse, institutionalized treatment for "mental illness", bankruptcy, and a lot of "bad luck" (including having my house ransacked, my business records, tools, and vehicle stolen, being evicted without cause, diagnosed with ulcerative colitis, and dumped by my lover -- all within 30 days). If there's a candidate for pessimism, I could definitely fit that bill.

I actually spent some time as a pessimist in my life. I spent some time in the past worried about when "they" would come to get me, what "they" were going to do to the world, and how lousy my life was going to be.

I'm happy to say that my intellect just couldn't handle the strain of comparing the frightful projections of my pessimism with the actual evidence of my blessings adequately enough for me to remain in that mindset permanently.

At some miraculous point (or maybe through a series of miraculous points) I came to a series of undeniable, rational, practical, and nearly mathematical conclusions:

1. I had definitely fucked up in my life at times. I had done things I didn't want to do again. I had done things I knew were not in alignment with my own principles, or the principles I had espoused in my personal life, my politics, and my declarations to others. I had done things that I was ashamed of. I had, in short, been a human being doing "less than my best".
2. I had often been in denial of #1.
3. I had come to a place where I realized that I wasn't living according to what I said I wanted for myself and the world, had realized that #1 was true, #2 was true, and that I must change #1 and #2.
4. I changed. (This sounds simple, but is not, and much of my blog will probably be about the "how" of changing.)

With this equation in front of me, it became increasingly obvious to me that, if I could 1) screw up, 2) be in denial, 3) realize I had screwed up and been in denial, and, most importantly, 4) CHANGE, then this must also be a potentiality for all other beings (I'm just not that special)

I’ve been known to smoke, drink, curse, and whine to excess, I’ve engaged in pettiness, gossip, self-pity, and general sucky behavior. I tell you that because I think it’s important to let you know that my optimism doesn’t stem from some native state of “holiness”, or some personality-based tendency toward enlightened behaviors.

My optimism was, and continues to be, a conscious choice – a rather scientific one, at that.

If I am, as I like to think, a rational being who values logic and observation, I think that I must be willing to observe the balance of my life experiences and speak fairly about what I have experienced.

I just hate it when people say things like “Homosexuals are an abomination”. I hate it because 1) I personally don’t think I’m abominable, even though I am a homosexual, but I hate it even more because 2) I think this kind of a statement can’t really be rationally supported.

“Why are Homosexuals an abomination?” I would ask someone who said this.

“Because God said so – it’s right here in the Bible chapter blah, blah, blah . . . .”

This was one of the reasons that I started learning Hebrew – so I could read chapter blah, blah, blah in its original language. The surprising thing is – in the original Hebrew, it doesn’t actually say Homosexuality is Abomination. It says a certain sexual practice between two men is an abomination. In fact, there is not a single prohibition against lesbian practices at all, Old Testament or New – (which is a big relief to me, let me tell you). So, rationally, even if the Bible really was the definitive law of the Cosmos – and I’m sure you can guess where I stand on that -- Homosexuals still aren’t abomination.

Here’s the thorny thing about my penchant for this type of demanding proof and observation – it means I can’t, in good conscience, say things like “Republicans are wrong”. My brother-in-law is a Republican – like, a capital R Republican – and although he sometimes does things that I think are kind of jerky, well, so do I, and I’m a registered Democrat. I actually have some pretty stimulating and insightful conversations with him about theology, etc., and he treats me, on the main, very sweetly and honestly – even if I don’t like some of his views, he has the courage to be real with me. I don’t think that’s “wrong”.

Sure, moving to rational observation of my life as a basis for a general attitude has limited my “fun time” in some ways. I have to admit that it sometimes just seems like “fun” to complain, whine, and pigeon-hole people. I believe that it is a default recreational activity for me and other folks when we don’t know what else to talk about. But it is becoming a luxury I can’t afford.

Why? Because, as I said, I think it’s a luxury – energy-expensive and not very energy-returning. After a long bout of bitching and moaning, I rarely feel enhanced. After a session of praise and gratitude, I rarely feel depleted.

So, ultimately, I’ve become consciously optimistic from a pretty selfish standpoint – it feels better, it’s more energizing for me, and it makes sense when I look at the evidence of my life.

Case in point: Yes, I lost the truck, the computer, the house, the girlfriend, etc., all in 30 days. But . . . . I got a better truck, computer, house, and girlfriend – within about 30 days. This begs the question: Net loss or Net Gain?

Which is the question I ask myself a lot these days.

There are situations where this seems hard to figure. For example: Hurricane Katrina – Net Loss or Net Gain? It’s very hard for me to name that for the people involved. It seems arrogant and insensitive to me to say “Hey, look on the bright side!” to those folks. So I have to go back to my own experience of the event.

Hurricane Katrina Net Gain/Loss Report from Carol Steinel:

Gains:

1. Opportunity to experience compassion and empathy for people I don’t know.
2. Relief at seeing underlying racism and classism in our society exposed so fully that it can’t be ignored without really, really hard work.
3. Relief at seeing the fragility of our dependence on oil so graphically exposed.
4. Many opportunities to have frank conversations with others about race and class in America that I have found difficult to initiate, or have found that others seem to want to avoid, in the past.
5. Daily opportunities to have conscious awareness of how fortunate and rich I am.
6. Opportunity to marvel at the human spirit.

Losses:

1. Maybe a little too much time at the computer, following news stories.
2. A moment of being bummed out when I discovered that there were people who actually saying that Katrina was actually God’s punishment on an evil city.

Wow. For me, Katrina was definitely a net gain. In some ways, I even feel a bit guilty about that. Here are all these folks who have lost a lot – including homes, pets, loved ones, confidence, trust, etc. – I think I’m going to have to up my donation quotient to them – their experience has given me a lot.

So the Net Loss/Net Gain question has been serving me well. (Giving credit where credit is due, this was an exercise from Carruch in one of our “Doing the Do” classes.)

I haven’t even touched on the issue of “creating my own reality”, and I don’t think I’ll go into it much right now – thankfully, I don’t even have to go into it in order to continue a rational selection of Practical Optimism as a mindset.

I can apply “Practical Optimism by virtue of direct observation and scientific conclusion” without wading into the metaphysical morass of whether or not my thoughts create my reality (which, by the way, I do believe – prior to that nasty 30 day dismantlement of my life, I was, perhaps, at the height of my pessimistic practice).

Which leads me to today: Net Loss or Net Gain?

I had the cramps (will menopause never fully arrive?!), but I had a light work day and was able to sleep in, I had sessions with very lovely and open people, plenty of ibuprofen, and my Kindle compatriots were happy to have a short weekly meeting in deference to my delicate state.

The day was the gorgeous Indian summer type that I have been wanting. Air perfectly warmish/coolish, a light breeze rustling the poplar outside and a beautiful noise as the wind moved through its slowly drying leaves, sun out and warming the deck.

My cat communicated with me perfectly and clearly when I asked her whether she needed to go to the vet or not.

I walked into a well-organized and neatish office this morning, thanks to my unexpected whirlwind of a cleaning frenzy yesterday (I must have presciently known that I would go on the rag today). What a relief. I would never have had the energy to clean it up today.

All my bills are paid today, and the guy who is coming to fix the leak on the back roof Wednesday came by today. He’s an old codger type – sweet, funny, and down to earth. I had a nice moment with him on the front porch – I could tell that he liked me, and I could tell that he could tell that I liked him.

I can smell the sweet potatoes that Charles is baking downstairs, and I can hear the Port Townsend High School football team drilling down the block. I don’t care for football much, but I must admit, there is something exhilarating about hearing those young men channeling all that testosterone.

I get to sleep in flannel sheets with my beloved tonight.

That’s the tip of the iceberg, and it’s only 4:30 pm. Net Loss or Net Gain? You be the judge.

Am I fortunate? You bet. Lucky? I don’t think so. I don’t believe in luck, really.

I will only say that, even typing that list, I experienced a fullness within myself, a wonder at the little amazements of the day. If you had told me, even two years ago, that I would be waxing on in such an unmitigated torrent of appreciation, I would have scornfully laughed you out of the room.

Nowadays, I will say: “Get used to it.”

How about you? – Today: Net Loss or Net Gain?