Launch Day/Cold Feet

Okay, here goes.

Tonight I will send out the address of this blog to everyone on my email list (suffice it to say that it's a large list).

I had this blog ready on to go on Tuesday 9 27 -- I've been working on it for more than two weeks now, in terms of getting the template where I wanted it (yes, I actually photographed that tree to the left -- and yes, it really looked like that at the time -- no photoshop funny business), figuring out the posting software, composing a couple of initial entries, etc., --

But I hit a major case of cold feet on Tuesday when I went to send the email that you have, by now, received -- there were many factors involved in my frigid toes, but I think this is the biggest one: This blog seems like an act of vulnerability to me.

I'm generally pretty outspoken, authentic, and -- I guess the word is -- brash. I yammer on about the most personal aspects of my life (such as announcing the arrival of my period during a class or workshop) -- in casual conversation, in the course of my work, etc. -- and I don't spend much time concerned about how that might be received. I figure it's not my business what you think about what I say, unless you engage me and we enter into a dialogue about it.

I don't know why this blog seems different to me in terms of vulnerability. And yet it does seem different to me somehow.

I still figure it's not my business what you think about what I say/write -- that's not the difference for me -- but I plan to use this blog as an avenue to have something very personal -- something very much mine -- while simultaneously exposing that personal "my" thing to a whole lot of people.

That seems counter-intuitive in some ways, yet the drive I feel to go on with the blog tells me that it's important for me.

In the past, when I have thought about something "just for me" I think there has been a big element of control involved (I get the image of an obsessed hobbyist at his bench, creating a thing of beauty that only he/she will see). I think that I have often sequestered my self-nurturing activites into private pursuits that I hold tight to myself, fostering them as if they were precious and rare luxuries, rather than sharing them widely.

So I'm wondering about doing something "just for me" that seems so intensely exposed and public. I had a surge of enthusiasm when I began working on the blog that I haven't fully understood yet. I also had a crash from this enthusiasm on Tuesday when I got my first feedback from a "test-reader". That brought me to some internal soul-searching about why I was doing this, who I thought my "audience" was, and what I hoped/feared about the blog in general.

I think that this blog format simply amplifies a truth I have already known: I am not in control of how my communication is received.

That truth seems glaringly apparent in some forms of communication (for instance, if I type something on my website, I have very little control about how you receive it, or even view it, given the options you have of browsers, security settings., color schemes, etc.). I think this "no control" issue has been less clear for me in personal verbal interactions, but I think it may be a major element in my experience with this venue.

I suppose that's what I'll be finding out about here -- Where is the balance between pure expression (what I need to have come out of me) and the hope for connection (speaking in a way that will connect with others)? Where is the balance between something "for me" and something for the people reading this? (In my view, a blog, by its very nature, implies a receiver/audience/reader.)

I'm looking forward to that exploration. I also feel a little scared. I suppose that's a good way to start an adventure.

So, I think that's enough for tonight. If I don't publish this posting and get on to sending the email that says that the blog is here -- right now -- I might never do it. (Two days of quandary are enough to show me that.)