My Commandment Check List

Thursday, October 13th, 2005 is Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement.

On this particular Holy Day, you review your acts and make atonement for the sins you have committed in the last year. At the end of the day on Yom Kippur, God closes the Book of Life for the next year, thereby sealing the fates of those whose names are in it (that's right -- everyone). Interestingly, on this day, you do not make atonement to humans for all the various wrongs you might have done them, in your heart, speech, action, or thought -- you make your atonement to God.

I like that.

According to this tradition, if you have fucked up with humans, you still have to go to them -- real-time -- real space -- and figure it out. No "Whammy-zammy! I've found Jeezus and now everything's OK!"

So, in assessing my "getting right" with G-D list, I thought I'd start by with a check in with the commandments. I'm going to work with the version I grew up with, but if you check the link http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ten_Commandments#10_Commandments_or_more.3F, you my find that these have a far wider scope (and in some sense, a far greater lassitude) than you had ever imagined:

1. You shall have no other God before Me. Well, since I believe in the Divine Unity of G-O-D, I guess that this would be impossible. To me, there is only one G-O-D. So I think I'm cool with #1.

2. You shall not take the name of the Lord, Your God, in vain. Frankly, I've never really understood this one fully, so it's quite possible that I may have trespassed it. I have been known to say, very often "Oh, for God's Sake", and even, occasionally, "God-dammit". However, I've heard many explanations about what "taking the Lord's name in vain" means -- from swearing in general (in which case, I am in deep doo-doo -- I was told as a child that even saying "Gosh Darn It" might be a little too close for comfort, because God knew what you were trying not to say), to swearing an oath in which God is involved ("As God is My Witness") that you don't really mean, to talking about religion in general in a false way.

Given the broadness of this interpretation, I'm pretty sure I've broken this commandment in someone's eyes, if not God's. So, to be safe, I should probably make atonement for this.

Now -- I've only gotten to #2 and I'm already feeling a bit confused and overwhelmed. It's clear to me that I'm going to have to figure out what I mean by these commandments, and then judge myself according to that meaning.

3. You shall keep the Sabbath Holy.
This is a commandment that I actually keep pretty well. I don't always keep my Sabbath (one day in seven) on the same day, but I do almost always set aside a day each week for rest and spiritual connection. I don't know if it matters to God that it slides around on the calendar, but God is outside of time anyway, as far as I know.

4. You Shall Honor Your Father and Mother. Check. Did that. I honestly don't know if I did it to my parent's satisfaction, or Luther's, but I felt alright about my honoring.

5. You shall not Kill. No humans. Did not kill any humans that I know of directly, or mean to kill any humans. Did kill ants. Okay, did kill a lot of ants last year -- but only killed them on purpose when they got into my bed (which I had clearly told them was off-limits, and my morning tea, which I had also told them was off-limits). I have a certain admiration for the Jains, who, although not Christians, take this commandment so seriously that they don't really move around much (in case they unwittingly step on a creature) and wear little mesh filters over their mouths so that they don't accidently inhale and kill bugs.

6. Thou shall not commit adultery. Did not commit adultery in the past year. Actually, since I cannot legally marry, I'm not sure if I am technically capable of commiting adultery -- but if we go with the absolutely technical definitions for most Christians, I might as well not be working through the Decalogue anyway, as I am an abomination to begin with, as a lesbian.

Actually, have only committed even "non-technical" adultery once in my life. It was brief (one day), messy, and painful enough that I never repeated the experiment.

(Wow, I'm more than half-way through the Big Ten!)

7. You shall not steal. I did not consciously steal anyone else's physical possessions or money. However, this is one of those commandments that seems either ridiculously narrow or incredibly broad. I think I have, at times, attempted to steal attention, or have taken credit where it was not really mine to take (my beloved often is the source of some of the best ideas we institute in classes, and while I try to make sure I acknowledge this, I'm sure I've missed the mark).

8. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor. This is one I work with a lot, as a member of a small town where gossip is a minor-league sport. I would not knowingly lie about someone, but I think I've repeated stuff that I couldn't absolutely verify as true. As I said, it's a work in progress. I have improved with this. Now, there are definitely "noticings" that I have when I've been talking about someone rather than to them. Even better, I've noticed I've been getting quickly bored with gossip. A good sign.

9. You shall not covet your neighbor's house. Guilty, guilty, guilty -- sooooo guilty. I have been lusting after properties in the Jefferson County area in our search for land, wishing, and hoping and thinking and praying, planning and scheming . . . . It's not like I wish they didn't have their property, or that I would do anything nasty to them to get it -- but coveting -- I think I have coveted some of my neighbor's houses.

10. You shall not covet your neighbor's wife, nor his man-servant, his maid-servant, his cattle, or anything he has. Don't know anyone with man or maid-servants, or cattle, for that matter. Don't want anyone else's wife (already have the best one). Don't think that I've coveted any other possessions (except maybe Jame's IRiver).

Wow! Not too bad, not too bad. Always room for imrovement, of course.

After I completed my 10C Checklist, however, I had a rude shock. Turns out that, according to Talmudic study, non-Jews don't even have to keep these 10, let alone the 614 other commandments that an observant Jew is to follow.

If you're not a Jew by birth or conversion, you are only subject to the 7 "Noahic Commandments" (the stuff God told Noah about after the flood about how to live) -- basically: 1) set up courts of justice (I failed miserably on this one), 2) Don't commit blasphemy (may be tempting fate on this one just by writing this post), 3) Don't commit idolatry (in the clear there, I think -- I have a statue of Buddha, but I'm under no illusion that it is "god") 4)Don't commit incest or adultery (Okay on both counts), 5) Don't commit bloodshed (well, there was the ant thing), 6) Don't commit robbery (Okay there), and 7) Don't eat flesh cut from a living animal (Now my first response to this was -- "Well yuck! Of course not!" -- but then I remembered those delicious quilcene oysters on the half-shell with frozen sake sauce -- uh-oh).

After trying out the "trial-by-commandment" mode, I started pondering -- is it possible to actually keep all of the ten commandments in a pristine way and still be an asshole? I mean, are these really an all-encompassing guide for living as a holy person, or even living well? I started trying on various scenarios and attempting to test them, but I found myself circling back on the various interpretations and the general looseness of the language, which, in my experience, has given rise to all sorts of strange twists and turns -- what I call "Biblical Schizophrenia" (I actually wrote a song about this) -- like "Thou shalt not kill" . . . ."except terrorists/Israelis/Palestinians/ants/[Insert the name of whoever is currently bugging you here]......".

I started over.

I started considering -- what have I done in the past year that I really just do not feel "right" about?

These were the biggies:

1. Breaking the Golden Rule (Doing Unto Others As I Would Have Them Do Unto Me). I'm not the biggest offender in the world, maybe, but I'm still not meeting my own standards on this one. I have laughed at photo-montages that compare George W's various facial expressions to that of photos of chimpanzees -- I have laughed meanly. If George were looking at pictures of me, the (to him) Wacky Lesbian Woo-Woo Channeler, juxtaposed next to photos of, say, mice making similar facial poses, how would I feel? I was thinking today about whether he ever sees these lampoons of himself, and if so, how he must feel when he does. He has probably developed a thick-skin about it, I imagine, and that, in itself, seems tragic to me -- just another moment where a human develops distance in order to avoid feeling. I actually had a moment of imagination where I could see him, years from now, in his retired-president's den, looking over these pictures and feeling depressed, or taking a stony-faced stoicism on and saying "those people were idiots", which just adds fire to fire, separation to separation. I felt sad.
   
2. Doubting God. Even for an instant. My life has been so incredibly blessed, and still I'm able to participate in some kind of momentary amnesia about the state of my life's goodness. I am truly sorry about that, God. You've been a fantastic friend, beloved, supporter, --- what can I say? -- Everything! -- and you've been there consistently, every day. Sorry about those moments of doubt. You truly do not deserve that from me. (And that, my friends, is a completely sincere apology.)
3. Acting Smaller than I Am. Whining. Complaining. Bitching. Moaning. These activities sort of fit under #2, but I wanted to make a special note of them.
4. Participating in the Social Lie. Being polite rather than authentic. Being a chicken-shit about bringing forth what I have to say, even for five minutes. Practicing ego in trying to maintain how I "look" to people.
   
5. Failing to attend to the balance of Equal Exchange in my life. By over-giving, and by holding back when I could have engaged. By being an ungracious receiver, or refusing help out of pride.
   

Those are the things I really think I need to improve upon -- and I find they aren't really covered, necessarily or explicitly, in the Big Ten, or the Short Seven.

It's interesting -- the whole idea of atonement begins with "true repentance", which I think means that you actually feel the impact of your actions -- you actually feel the sadness of: "Damn (oh, I mean dang) -- I wish I had done that better."

I actually felt that as I typed this list. Which seems very different to me than my reaction to the commandments (where I usually hang my head like a bored teen and say "Yeah, sorry . .. .", without really meaning it).

I believe that this comes down to an essential point -- I have to understand what I think about the actions that constitute a holy life, a well-lived life -- or I have not a snowball's chance in hell of living that life.

The worst betrayals of my life have been self-betrayals -- moments in which I acted in ways that violated my own precepts, ideals, and beliefs. For me, this is the essence of the Yom Kippur practice of atoning with God -- because, to me, God is the source, the model, for that "bigger" sense of myself and my life-- the thing(s) I am striving toward.

So, today, even if you don't believe in "God", and even though, by the time I finish this post, Yom Kippur will be over, maybe you'd like to consider making an atonement with your own ideals and values.

Just a suggestion. No pressure. Really.

May you be sealed for a good year.